Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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