i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
