Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
