OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
