I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
