the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize