How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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