the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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