Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We talked him into tasing himself.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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