I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
