dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
