Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
