tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize