This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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