the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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