you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
