if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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