I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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