just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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