Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
