I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize