After last night, I could never be a politician.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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