toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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