I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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