Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
