peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
