Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
