A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
