If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
