Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
