If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So vagazzling was a success
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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