Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
