just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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