Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
