just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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