Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
