I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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