we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
