I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
