so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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