I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
