thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
