this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
