1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize