So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
