I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
