I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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