I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
