I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
