I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
