If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
