look no pants
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's always time for handjobs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
