i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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