I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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