hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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