At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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