If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
