someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Reggie can tackle my bush.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
