I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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