My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
