I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
