she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
