She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Boobs speak an international language.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
