The maid of honor just puked.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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