I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize